You were right. I'm not okay...

I scribbled down these jumble of words at midnight - the thought of sleeping never crossed my mind as my heart was so full and my throat stifling so many stubborn tears that blurred my vision despite my attempts of shoving them back, and the paper never before seemed so welcoming...-

As a dear dear reader, you do not live in my world but only posses such a tiny window into it within such a minute rectangular box composed of jumbled words that it can hardly describe half of the every-day life I am living. Having such a small insignificant glance into my world even stopping by to read my worthless ramblings and extending your interest and love in the form of notes is most humbling.

I have composed a little list of my faults - some of which comprised of my innermost thoughts-. I have no wish to sound immature, snobbish, or self-centered in any way at all, as I list off these rather foolish yet-oh-so-affecting woes of life, nor should I want you to think my life is so utterly dismal, in which it is not. I want you to view me as a real-human being, not just a girl behind the screen, and to be completely and wholly honest with you, dear friend, I think it good to reveal the real raw me to the world:

I struggle with false expectations of how my life, at this age, should be like with tons of friends and activities to occupy my time now. I know that tons of shallow friendships could never replace the relationships with young ladies who I have come to call my close-knit sister, but over these past few months, I have come to realize -or think I realized- {after analyzing my heart}, that I truly do love people... I love being surrounded in the company of people, learning their life stories, sharing a smile or challenging myself to make them smile. Another name for that, is being a social butterfly, or so I've heard. But all my life, I feel as though I have touched little lives of people my age, and I have often questioned why/who set me aside, apart from a desire that seems so pure and simple. I have attempted to become involved in plenty of activities {sports, speech, theater, dance, swimming, music} - actually every activity under the sun. I have tried my hand out, but every time a door closes I have struggled desperately to bow my head and accept.

 I struggle with loneliness. I am an only child - everything which surrounds me is small, except for the "great wide somewhere," which encompasses its outer walls. Isolation is a word I detest with my whole being, but that's one of the words to which wholly describes my world at times.

There's so many wars I've fought in my head. so many things, I know I'm not...